My Graduation Stories (and what they taught me)
When I was graduating from school, there was a system of awarding gold and silver medals to pupils with outstanding performance. You had to get straight 5s (an equivalent of As) in all subjects to qualify for the gold medal. If you had straight 5s, but one or two 4s (an equivalent of Bs), you received a silver medal.
Now, the academic achievement was only a part of this picture. In Soviet Azerbaijan, nepotism and bribes were an integral part of this process (you can read my memoir here, if you’re interested in learning more). My family neither had connections nor money to ensure that I was awarded a gold medal, so my Russian language essay was slashed to 4 (B), and I became a candidate for a silver medal (personally, I would not have objected to 4 (B) in Maths, but Russian… Russian… that did not sit right). At any rate, I got a silver medal, which was not a small achievement.
Guess what? I never went to collect it. It just was not good enough.
I did a fair amount of studying after school. My first degree in law was challenging as I was studying by correspondence, so I didn’t get the results that I wanted, but when I did my Master’s in International law in Baku, I had straight 5s in all subjects and revelled in my graduation ceremony. Finally!
A few years later, I came to do my Master’s programme in European Law at the University of Birmingham. To be honest, I don’t know how I did it. It was a massively traumatic year for me (for all sorts of reasons) and I had no clue how the British academic system worked. In the end, I was 0,5% short of achieving first class degree in Law.
Guess what? I didn’t attend my graduation ceremony. Graduating with Merits just wasn’t good enough! It felt as if I failed, as if I wasn’t good enough.
I put tremendous amount of pressure to pass my PhD without a single correction. It was as if that would finally prove how capable and worthy I am. And you know what? I did it. The ‘God’ of European Law from the University of Oxford said I was good enough to pass with flying colours. Yes, yes, of course, I attended that graduation ceremony.
I hope you can see a pattern here, where nothing short of perfection was ever acceptable to me. The price was high: anxiety, imposter syndrome, RSI after my PhD, massive stress…
And all because I did not feel good enough.
I’ll never forget the morning after my PhD viva. I woke up fully expecting to be the best version of myself. Well, it was the old me. If anything, I felt even worse, empty somehow. However amazing my examiners were, someone else’s praise did not make me feel more worthy.
For years, this pattern showed up on a smaller scale when I received students’ feedback about my teaching (I’d have dozens of positive remarks, but my attention would go to the one that wasn’t quite as admiring); the same happened with my clients: hundreds of amazing testimonials, but if I had one disgruntled comment, it used to crush me.
Feeling good enough is an inside job.
To reclaim your inner sense of worth, you need to heal the stories that left you feeling inadequate and insecure.
P.S. If you’re a healer, I have a 4-month container that can help you to regain that inner sense of confidence, depth and presence that will transform your interactions with your clients and loved ones. It includes group coaching, monthly masterclasses and 5-week ‘Good Enough’ course, so that you can step into your inner authority as a healer.
All the details are here:
www.gularavincent.co.uk/immersion
And if the immersion feels like a big jump, you're welcome to join individual events as you go along:
1. The next masterclass is on Healing Your Conception Story and Early Attachment on 21 April 4:30-7:30pm UK time
www.gularavincent.co.uk/conception
Live 3-hour healing experience to help you heal the imprints from your conception onwards, to let go of any unconscious rejection and lack, so that you can feel welcome and worthy in your life. This is open to men and women – after all, we all have emerged from a woman’s body.
2. The Embodied Presence in Motion series start on 18 April at 1:30-3:00pm UK time. Join us live here to strengthen your ability to be present in any situation www.gularavincent.co.uk/embodied-presence
With all my love
Gulara