Do You Avoid Hurting Other People’s Feelings? 3 reasons why this may not end well.
Picture this:
Your partner is at the table drinking too much [insert any other behaviour that bothers you]. You don’t like it because it’s unpleasant to be in that energy, but you can’t say a word, because they would feel ashamed, embarrassed, defensive and lash out at you.
So, you push your reactions down because you don’t want to make them feel inadequate or guilty.
But here are 3 reasons why suppressing your reactions is detrimental to you and other people.
It’s disempowering.
When you try to protect people from having their feelings (for example embarrassment and shame), there’s an unconscious assumption that they can’t manage their upset, that somehow, you’re the stronger one in that particular relationship.
The truth is that often you engage in this behaviour not because they can’t handle their feelings, but because you can’t cope with their reactions.
So, you try to avoid their upset or angry outburst at the expense of suppressing your own feelings. In the meantime, your self-sacrifice goes unnoticed, you feel taken for granted and start resenting them.
In the long run, this doesn’t end well.
2. You create entangled relationships by taking responsibility for others in the hope that they would take responsibility for you.
Sometimes, you may look after other people’s feelings in the hope that they would be kinder and more considerate towards you. It’s what young children do. If I prop up my mum or dad because they can’t cope with life, they would be more resourced to love and care for me.
In truth, you get the opposite. Not only other people don’t take responsibility for your feelings, but you avoid taking responsibility for yourself too.
Over time, this can lead to a lot of disappointment and heartbreak.
3. You become a people pleaser
When you run this pattern, you don’t want to rock the boat and try to maintain the status quo. You avoid any conflict and confrontation at all costs. You second guess yourself trying to work out what the other person wants you to say or do. Perhaps you hold yourself back from expressing your truth out of fear that they won’t get you, or worse, they would be angry with you.
If you grew up in an unstable environment, you might have done this for so long that this behaviour has become automatic.
What’s important to know that you suppress your responses to other people because parts of you feel deeply unsafe in the world.
I'm not saying that you have to act out your feelings towards other people when you're angry or upset.
But in order to speak your truth and have harmonious relationships, you have to take care of the parts of you that feel unsafe, so that you can respond to situations appropriately.
The good news is this can be healed.
P.S. I’m offering a 3-hour masterclass ‘Already Enough’ to heal the parts of you that don’t feel safe in the world on 13 December at 12:00-15:00 UK time. www.gularavincent.co.uk/already-enough
P.P.S. My 1:1 sessions are on sale for £150 at the moment (standard price is £200). Here’s the payment link: https://buy.stripe.com/fZe28a6mlgnWf2odR4 I'll send the session details after the booking.
With all my love,
Gulara